I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
