hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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