I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
