I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
