On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
