He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
