the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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