...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
