I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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