why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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