When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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