The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize