I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Ambien. No doubt about it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
