ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
3 2 1 whiskey
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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