Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
His nipple licking is glorious
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