Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I want a musical about memes.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
