Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
