i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
