Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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