found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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