just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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