I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
