she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Drunk is not a location!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
