kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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