giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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