There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I am midnight drunk by noon
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
