Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
