I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
