Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
