Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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