Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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