ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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