And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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