He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
