hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
