We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
