Small penises have feelings too.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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