yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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