The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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