You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
