she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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