my phone needs a breathalizer
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize