So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
