I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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