She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
