I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize