Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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