You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
