I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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