is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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