Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
