I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
