Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
