She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
