yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
