looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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