I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
