I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
