Your face is a jimmy john
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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